It's Always the Last Time
by OffWithTheWind
Summary: Maddie loves Alfred, but she just /knows/ he doesn't love her back. She's always known he doesn't love her back, but the fact she can still get attention is good enough for her. WARNINGS: Sex, love triangle, attempted homicide, attempted suicide, angst DISCONTINUED
1. Prelude: It's Always the Last Time

Authors Comments: Woo~ Ok, so, I have this image of Fem!Canada being this very sweet girl who is caught up in this emotional downward spiral that is caused by low self esteem and thinking that people don't like her so she tries to get that love that she craves by getting stuck in sexual relations and touchy situations and her life once she's gotten stuck in this rut needs to be put back together.

And from the realization that this was my view of Fem!Canada, this story spawned... That and I was alone and this is the sort of crap that happens when my friends leave me alone for too long... I predict my future. XD

I don't own Hetalia! If I did there would be more fan-service! And probably more boobs, because I see how guys would get a little frustrated with all the implied gayness... the male fans really need some love. I think I'll write some yuri for the guy fans at some point. And the lesbian fans, I know you guys are out there too and craving some crazy girl on girl. (I just realized I haven't written any yaoi on fanfic yet... Oh that has to change too...)

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><p>"This is the last time this can happen." He says. That's always what he says when we're done-it's always the last time...<p>

"I know." I hide my smile. He'll be back not long from now, ready for more-breaking from his word. Not that he was ever a man to go by his word, it's all show because he's the 'hero' and heroes always keep their words...until they need satisfaction again.

"I mean it this time. It really can't happen again, my dad would kill me if he found out." He sighed and I did too. That never stopped him with anything else, and it never stopped him here either. He knew just as well that this was far from the last time. He knew that we both wanted this to happen for the rest of our lives-why does he lie?

"I know Alfred, your dad is more important than me. I'm just a girl." My smile fades-that has always been true. I'm not worth the risk of his father's fury. I've known this for a long time, but it still burns at my throat to say it. My ears sting when I hear it-everyone says he's only out to please his father and no one else even if he ends up enraging the man in the end. Not even himself would he strive to please purposely. It hurts me to say that I'm not an exception. I've always been just that girl. I'm easy, and cute sometimes, and no matter how many times he breaks me I'll fix myself and offer again. That is just the way it has always been with Alfred and I.

"You know that's not it." But it is. We both know you lie. Every time. You lie to me and try to make it better-do you realize it doesn't work? That I'm not buying it? Maybe you do and you chose to ignore it. Or maybe you lie to yourself too. Is that what you do Alfred? To right your wrong doings?

"We both know that apparently. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Remember to bring your homework, and get enough sleep so you can pay attention in all your classes." I reminded him. It's sad how I can't stay no matter how much it breaks my heart, but sometimes that's just the way things go. His father would get mad if I stayed. That's more important than what I want because if daddy dearest is happy, so is Alfred.

"Madi... You always look out for me. Thank you." He hugs me, and I hug back. He wants me to kiss him, I can tell by the pleading in his eye and the tilt of his head. It's not going to happen thought, it's another thing we both know. I don't kiss him afterwards-I never have. You kiss people you love and people who love you back. I never kiss anyone, because I know they don't love me.

"I know, you're welcome. I'll see you tomorrow Alfred."

"See you Madi... I love you."

"...I know that's what you want me to think Al." I whispered, not letting my pain and sorrow flood into tears as I closed the door behind me and left Alfred alone, in the dark of him room. He was tired, I wore him out so he should rest now.

"Madi? I didn't know you were here, how are you?" I heard a strongly accented voice pipe up as I headed for the door and I forced a smile. Mr. Kirkland never knew when I was here, he never realized what went on under his very own roof...

"Hello Mr. Kirkland. I was only here for a minute-Alfred needed some help on his math. He's done now, so I'll be off. See you around, sir." I faked a smile. I hated Mr. Kirkland. It was his fault Alfred wouldn't pursue me properly. His fault I'm a mess. I blame him for a lot of things in my life-not that I'd ever tell him that. I don't think he really deserved the blame I placed on his shoulders, but that doesn't stop me. I say it's his fault, and that's the way it is.

"Oh, alright then. Thank you for helping him again-I don't know what the lad would do without you. I'll see you soon." He was always so happy with me-I know he liked me even if I didn't return the favor.

"Right. It was no problem, I love to help Alfred out." I wanted to lash out at him and ask him why I wasn't good enough for Alfred. I didn't though, I held my tongue like good girls were supposed to. I'm not sure why Mr. Kirkland didn't want Alfred dating, my reasoning was because he knew Alfred would go out with me. I don't think he thinks I'm good enough for his little boy. It makes me sick.

"I know, you've been helping him out a lot lately. I hope he's been paying you back somehow..."

"Oh, it's fine-it's a pleasure. I best be getting home now though."

"Right, I'll see you tomorrow maybe?"

"I hope so." And I left. Alfred said it was the last time. He knew it wasn't either. I dreaded the day he'd keep the promise.

(O0*o-_-o*0O)

"Madison, my comrade, where did you go last night? I thought you were going to meet me at the movies." A Russian voice called to me at school the next morning in homeroom. It was Ivan, a good friend of mine. We've always been close since we were children since we both enjoyed hockey so much-but when he decided he didn't like Alfred for some reason we became a little distant. That is until they made slight amends and we became friends again. The best of friends-Ivan knew everything about me and I knew more than the average person about him. It wasn't possible to know everything about the Russian boy though...

"I'm sorry Ivan. Something came up..." I blushed-Ivan knew what that meant. It meant I had spent the afternoon with Alfred and was too tired to come. He understood, and he would tease, but he'd never judge me. Ivan was remarkable the way he didn't mind. He often said he would love if I felt for him that way, but he never made any sign that he liked me that way. I figure he was just feeling left out when I would ditch him or fall asleep on him. I did feel bad about it, but I didn't regret how I spent my time.

"Ah, Alfred. You are so cute when you are thinking of him, you know?" He smiled a chilly smile as we sat down, I just blushed. Ivan's compliments were sweet-but they held a certain feeling to them that made you feel like he was watching you. Like he realized this after countless times of observing-like he's always there. It's a little creepy.

"Thanks?" I tried, not knowing how to respond. Ivan just smiled cheekily before turning to the board and listening to our teacher. Considering this was homeroom I just spaced out until our five minutes were over with. As soon as the 'class' was over we hit the hallways. Ivan had history next-I had English Literary. With Alfred. And Mr. Kirkland, our teacher. I both loved and despised English class.

Ivan walked me to my class and I said I'd see him at lunch. He smiled his chilly smile and pressed on to his class. I walked in-Alfred was already here his smile bright and turned to be as I walked in. No matter how serious we had been at our last meeting Alfred would never let it show unless we were alone how he felt. He bottled himself up so no one would worry. Being so happy after yesterday only worried me more though. "Hey Madi! Come here, I saved you a seat!" He cheered.

"Hey, thanks Al." I said casually and took out my note book. I always wrote notes for my classes-but in English before class I tended to write things to Alfred before his father would show up. Hell, we were always the first people here along with the Cuban guy who sat in the back stoned out of his mind. No one ever saw our conversations.

'_I know you have something you want to say._' I wrote, flipping the book onto his desk. His smile became a plastic one as he pretended to be cheery-and I smiled along with him. We were so fake to everyone but each other it was disgusting sometimes.

'_Yeah, how come you never kiss me when we're done? Or during? Or before? Or at all?_' He wrote in his sloppy yet readable hand writing. I sighed, and giggled to cover it up in case the stoner in the back was reading the atmosphere for once in his life.

'_You kiss people you love who love you back, Alfred. Those are the only people you kiss._' I wrote, my penmanship darker as this was a more serious statement. Alfred sighed and didn't try to cover it up at all this time, taking the book back.

'_Does that mean you don't love me back? Do you just let me use you?_' He asked, but I never got to respond as half the class bustled in and we faked our smile as I slammed the book closed and opened to a fresh sheet-ready to take notes on Mr. Kirkland's lectures. Alfred didn't seem as cheery. Everyone chalked it up as lack of sleep, I thought it was his lie he told me constantly consuming him. He really thought he loved me. What a pity...


	2. Chapter 1: Of School and Dinner Drama

Authors Comments: Whoopwhoop~ Chapter two! I wonder what's going on in my little agnsty Canadian's head today, eh? XD

Well, this got updated rather quickly, I'm proud of myself! Everyone who comments on this chapter get's a cookie! I would love constructive criticism on this piece though, so if you see grammar errors or something that didn't do anything at all to enhance the writing and was just like filler tell me and I want to fix it ^^ Thanks guys!

And by the by, I still don't own Hetalia. I know, tis a shame.

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><p>"Madison, why do you always go back to the hamburger lover? He is always telling you he doesn't want to do it ever again yet you come on his whims." Ivan asked me that day after school. Alfred was staying after to help his father clean his room and do some other chores around the school. It's always more important to please daddy, but I suppose that while he is with his father I do get some time to stop 'worshiping' him and live a somewhat normal life with my friends before I get depressed that he still doesn't care for me.<p>

I sighed and inspected around Ivan and I. We were out by the river on the outskirts of town. We had rode out bikes out to play in the stream but we both knew that once we got here we'd just end up talking because neither of us enjoyed swimming too much. Besides, swimming at the moment sounded like a terrible idea with the given weather. It wasn't snowing but it was dead cold.

"I don't go back on his whims, I go back for me. It just usually ends up that it's when he wants me too." I explained dipping a finger into the stream. Since it was fall, about a month after school started, the water was bone chilling. I liked it, but I was smart enough not to go in. Everyone knew that it got so cold around these parts at this time of year you'd probably freeze to death on your way home if you were this far out of the towns way.

"Ah, I see. Why him though?" Ivan asked, it was obvious he cared for my answer. Ivan was like a big brother. He watched out for me since his own little sister scared the shit out of him. I smiled and blushed pulling my finger out of the rolling stream. I was thinking on how to phrase this in a way Ivan would understand. I doubt he would since he never had before, but I'm always trying to show him how I feel for Alfred.

"It's something about his attitude and the way he walks with so much confidence and pride. He's never unsure of himself. He a leader and he's just... Alfred." I shrugged. Alfred wasn't as great as I made him seem, at least not to Ivan. I had an inflated view of him, I knew, but that was how I portray him. He was my big, huggable hero and even if he didn't want me as the heroine I could still play on the sidelines of his adventure for as long as I needed too because he wouldn't stop me.

"Hmm, is that what you think? Comrade, you have a weird way of taking an over-inflated ego and turning it into a good thing." Ivan hummed, but I could tell a shift in his mood just as the wind shifted blowing leaves our way. He wasn't pleased with how I viewed my part-time lover. I didn't mind though, I knew Ivan cared for me and he'd respect my views and those I care for no matter what.

"Yeah..." I agreed with him nevertheless and shivered. The wind was making me cold-I was used to cold, but I hated it. It made me feel brittle as the icy wind picked at my skin and seeped into me freezing from the outside in. Ivan looked calm in the cold-he said he hated it like me though. With his childish face presuming position whenever speaking of winter I never doubted his hatred. Ivan looked like a child when he talked about hate, a child who didn't know right from wrong. It was scary if you thought about it, if his hatred was childish, he could do anything he wanted about it...

"You look cold Madison. Come-I will treat you to dinner at the café if you'd like." Ivan suggested and broke my trait of thought. There was a nice little cafe that was nestled downtown. It was a little pricey, and even a little fancy but Ivan just loved to treat me to meals there after school. I'm assuming that's where he was going to take me, it was our normal routine when we hung out around each other.

I thought about it and checked my watch. It was about five-no one would be there this early. That was a big concern because neither of us wanted anyone from school seeing us eating together there since it was known as a common date place. I was hungry too... "Sure," I decided. "Let's go." And with that we rode back into town.

(O0*o-_-o*0O)

"And I will have the chicken soup with that, Да?" Ivan smiled his creepy childish smile to our waiter before the poor man scurried back to the kitchen to deliver our food requests. It made me want to laugh, I always thought that it was funny that sweet Ivan could scare people. I had never seen him do anything quite as scary as people say he does. Though the stories are so outlandish sometimes, it makes you wonder if they might be true. Like what he supposedly did to that little sheep of a boy Raivis with the fluffy hair and the constant shakes... Or Toris, he apparently broke his nose but he told me that he just ran into the molding on his door. People are so full of it sometimes.

"Comrade? You look happy, did something happen?" He asked me with a less forced smile and I smiled back.

"You're just funny Ivan, you make me smile." I told him truthfully and stirred the ice cubes in my cup giggling as Ivan's cheeks stained a light pink. That was cute...

"Madison, may I tell you something personal? It's very important that you hear this because I think it will change your views on... Many things." He smiled and this time it was back to the creepy. I felt like I really didn't want to know about this personal thing of his, but if it would 'change my views' maybe I should know.

I opened my mouth to answer him when the door opened. I glanced over and there is Mr. Kirkland and Alfred of all people. I smile and wave and as if I had invited him, Alfred speeds over and sits in the booth with me and hugs me hard.

"Madi! I missed you, it feels like it's been so long. Tell me I haven't lost you heart to Ivan-that'd kill me-I swear I'd give my life if I lost your heart to him!" If I had been anyone else, I'd think Alfred sounded a little serious about that last part. But, I was his Madi, the easy slut that Alfred loved to tap, break, fix and repeat. He wasn't being serious, he was joking and toying with my heart. It's like I'm his favorite toy.

"Alfred, you saw me only over an hour ago and-"

"Yes, you did lose her heart Alfred." Ivan cut me off and took my hand across the table holding it like we were a couple. "I just asked our comrade out to this date and she said 'yes'." The two glared between themselves as Mr. Kirkland started his way over. I took my hand back giggling and covered my mouth before laughing harder.

"You guys are so funny! Did you plan that just to get a laugh out of me? Come on, let's be serious here. Al why are you here?" I ask but the boys were still glaring. I rolled my eyes. They took these little jokes so far sometimes, it was ridiculous. They 'reluctantly'(They should be comedians if they were going to commit to this bit) broke their glares and Alfred smiled at me and giggled.

"Well, I knew you come here a lot so I asked pops if we could eat here. I was hoping to see you!" He grabbed me into a hug again only to have Ivan grab that hand again and give him a childish look. Gosh, this was just getting awkward now...

"Alfred F. Jones! You get off of her right this instant this is a public place!" Mr. Kirkland hissed as he caught up to Al and glared at him. "Young man you know better than to just run around in a restaurant-you could have crashed right into a waitor and who do you think would have had to pay for it all?" Mr. Kirkland scolded Al and Alfred shrunk away from him. I've only seen Alfred look afraid like that when his father talked to him, I guess it was because he's afraid to make his father disappointed. That's the best guess I could think of anyways.

"Sorry dad, I just wanted to give Maddie a hug and-"

"And are you interrupting her during a date? That is beyond rude! I demand that you apologize to Madison immediately!" He said in the same rough tone that I've come to know and dispise about Mr. Kirkland. He always sounds mad when he speaks to Al and it makes me want to hit him. No one should talk to my precious Alfred like that, not while I'm around.

"Oh no, this isn't a date." "Да , this is a date, but we don't mind." "There's no way Maddie would date a commie!" The three responses were rapid fire to Mr. Kirkland's accusation and I rolled my eyes at Ivan. Still playing that game, eh? It was funny but now Alfred was getting in trouble and that so wasn't cool for him to do to my friend-lover-thing.

Mr. Kirkland looked confused before I snatched my hand back from Ivan and shoved Alfred off of my being. "Ivan stop with the jokes and Al stop being racist." I scolded the two teenage boys and they looked much more disappointed with themselves than they ever did when scolded by an adult. I guess it just came with the charm. "Mr. Kirkland I'm just having dinner with Ivan, it's not a date and Alfred wasn't intruding at all. Please don't be too hard on him." I asked batting my eyes a little. I'd do anything to keep him out of trouble, even suck up to my most hated person if it meant to save my Alfred.

"Very well," He grabbed Alfred by his collar and dragged him out of the booth. "You're much to soft with the boy though, you should really try to beat him into shape." He playfully whacked Al on the head, who looked rather peeved he was being torn away, and dragged him back to the front of the restaurant so they could be seated. After a quiet discussion with Ivan on how this was not a date(He's so funny sometimes!), the rest of the dinner went as plan and after eating my bug Russian friend took me home.

On my way out of the restaurant though I looked over to Al's table and it looked like Alfred was still being scolded and he looked terrified. I wondered what was wrong and then decided it was a discussion for tomorrow.


End file.
